I thought I am different now, that I am wiser but I am not. I was clearly just in plain denial of what I have become.
Pathetic.
I have never felt so completely useless and upset with myself. My laptop is watching me cry, just like it has on other countless occasions.
I am dependent, I am needy. Sometimes I am selfish but most times, I try to please. I can be childish and I speak without thinking. I seek approval, I find it hard to get up and move on. I get inappropriate and I need to learn to shut up. I don't understand you but can you blame me? I don't even understand myself.
Save your pity. I have enough self pity to last me 2 life times. Don't tell me what I am, don't tell me what I'm not. I know myself best.
Do other 21 year olds feel the way I do? Sometimes? Anyone? Or is it just me and my inadequacies?
I can't wait to be forty. Maybe by then, I would have acquired common sense.
I need my Quran now. I feel like there's no one I can trust but Allah.
It's funny but I'll say that my 2 best friends are my Quran and my trusty ol laptop. They've seen me at my worst and yet, they are still here for me.
Please excuse me while I tell Allah how terrible I am feeling right now and how much I am hoping that He will make it better soon.
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4 comments:
Our youth is precious and Allah will question each one of us on how we made use of it.
Insha'Allah we are all make the best of our youthfulness
I, too, am 21 years old but I don't think I'd know if my problems are similar to yours, but knowing your weakness is the beginning of solving your problems. Praise Allah for that blessing of being conscious.
Solve people's problems and Allah will help you solve many more of your own, inshaAllah.
Lastly, keep that Qur'an with you at all times and never let it go, ya ukhti. Our prayers are with you!
Fi Aman Allah.
This probably sounds like a band aid solution, but just try sleep it off.
I'm younger than you (hehe) but I get it. Think of everything you have done as opposed to things you think you should have done.
You've got faults, so what? I'd say I have exactly the same ones. Just embrace it. You're dependent - that's okay. There's nothing wrong with it as long as you have balance.
I guess the point I was trying to make and haven't really is that you will always be your worst enemy. No one thinks those things about you really - only you do.
@ Saafir: Thanks for that reminder. InshaAllah I will be a productive young Muslimah contributing to the society.
@ SirAdib.com: Yeah, at least I know my faults and now I can work on them. It's going to be hard but I am going to try. Yeah, I definitely need to spend more time reading my Quran.
@ ellen557: Oh it takes me at least 1 hour to fall asleep when I go to bed. So if I have a problem, it takes me much longer. ): Ah, youre younger than me hehe.
I'd like to agree with you on that last point but unfortunately, Ive had many people come up to me and say those very things about me.
But, like you said, it's only human to err and nobody is perfect nowadays. Thanks for understanding.
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