Read On. Make a du'a for this sister.

Below is a true story I was told. I received an email from Fara* a few days ago. I will share it with you.
*All names have been changed to protect Fara’s* identity.

My name is Fara*. I am a Muslim.

It started 2 year ago, this addiction. It started with just one but the addiction got stronger and soon I needed more to feel satisfied. The attention I received gave me a high that put a smile on my face and a buzz in my ears. I secretly felt smug that nobody knew about the double life I was leading. On the outside, I was a pious Muslimah but inside, I played with the devil.

I had a separate account for my acts of mischief. I was careful to not let my two worlds collide. I did my best but before long, it became too difficult to keep the two separate as the acts of mischief increased in number and intensified. See how I prefer to use the word mischief? Sin, acts of sin but nobody knew. Only Allah. But then, Allah was at the back of my mind, furthest away from my thoughts as I engaged in acts of mischief.

Let me go back. When I first started, I was guilt ridden. I said Astaghfir Allah. But true repentance it was not. I had never experienced such a rush, I wanted more. They knew my weakest points and they played their strengths. I wanted more, I needed more.

I got bolder, committing acts of mischief in full view of others. But still, I was careful to make sure there were no other Muslims around. It was alright for the kaffirs to see me, it didn’t matter them. And Allah? Like I said… I didn’t really care and I figured, What the heck…I am going to hell anyways, might as well go all the way. Astaghfir Allah.

The problem with me was that I wanted more from the same people. I was tired of looking for new acts of mischief. I committed myself to one person, Jeff*. But Jeff* was married. Jeff* has a son. Last I heard, his wife is now expecting a baby girl. I didn’t care. He promised to marry me. He wasn’t happy with his wife. He was happy with me. I was giddily in love. But Jeff was just horny, forgive my crude words. All he wanted was sex. Each time we met, he would be asking for sex. We went past first base, and then second…but never sex. I don’t know what held me back. Maybe it was Allah, still in the back of my mind.

I left. I patted myself on the back for being a good girl and saying No but inside I was dying. I had given so much away and had received nothing in return. I had lost myself and I wanted the old me back. I craved for innocence and purity. I tried to get closer to Allah, I started practicing my Deen again. I went back to acts of mischief a few times. It got pretty bad at one point, if not for the help of a sister I had just met. Do you know I was nearly raped? It didn’t matter, I still felt like I had been raped.

Then I met Adam*. Adam* was the opposite of every other person I had known. He was MY polar opposite. I felt like I had finally met someone I had wanted to be with for the rest of my life. He made it easier for me to change. He gave me courage to delete the numerous phone numbers I had in my phone that I could call for acts of mischief. He reminded me that indeed, when nobody else was watching, only Allah could see me. He told me what I had previously known but coming from his mouth, it made all the difference. Alhamd lellah. I had lost all hope for myself but apparently, there was still someone who believed I could return to being a true Muslimah. Many new reverts marry early because they lack Islamic guidance at home and a good Muslim husband would help make the transition to Islam a lot easier, providing stability and guidance. That was how I felt, a born Muslimah, returning to her Deen. I wanted stability, support and someone to help me back up again should I stumble. I thought I saw this in Adam*.

Then Adam* left. I don’t want to go into details about reasons why but I feel myself faltering. I question whether my renewed faith had been because of Allah or because of Adam*. Had I done it only for his approval? Was I still the same girl all along? Is the core of my being bad such that even when I am good, I am still actually bad? I am scared to enter the vicious cycle again. I pray to Allah that He keep me strong in this moment of weakness. I could not possibly survive another round of physical, emotional and mental ‘torture’.

I have shared my story for several reasons. I want the Muslims who read this to keep a lookout for their brothers and sisters in Islam. Encourage them to participate in activities with other Muslims, don’t let them feel alone. InshaAllah if all the Muslims out there have each others’ backs, no one will fall into the hands of shaytan. Advice friends who have gone astray and may Allah reward you for your efforts. Lastly, I wish that you could make du’a for me.

My name is Fara. I am a MUSLIM.