In fact, Islam encourages us to marry persons for whom we have special feelings and affinity. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “That would enhance/foster the bonding.”
This permission notwithstanding, we are advised against getting carried away by merely the outward appearances of a person; these may be quite misleading. Marriage is a life-long partnership and a person’s real worth is determined not by his or her physical looks, but more so by the inner person or character. Hence, after having mentioned that people ordinarily look for beauty, wealth and family in a marriage partner, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to consider primarily “the religious or character factor” over and above all other considerations."
Taken from: IslamOnline.Net
Laila & Majnun: Aussie style (a true story, not involving me *heh)
Laila was a pretty girl who just graduated from Uni. Shy as she was, she left it to her mother to find her a husband. Her mother had a few good friends with sons who were looking for wives. One of them was Aziz (ie. majnun because you'll see how crazy he is). Aziz was drop dead gorgeous and a true gentleman. He had finally outlived his wild teenage ways and was ready to settle down and start a family. Over the years, he grew a beard, started going to the mosque regularly and was earning a good income with his master's degree in engineering. Laila's mother and Aziz's mother met several times to discuss their potential match.
Aziz's mother told him about Laila and Aziz asked for a photo of her. This request was then related to Laila's mother who found a picture of Laila and passed it to Aziz's mother.
When Aziz saw the photo of Laila, he was amazed to see how beautiful she was. He then requested for another photo of Laila and this time, without a headscarf on.
You would assume that Aziz's mother would have told him that this request was impossible to fulfil but NO, she passed the request to Laila's mother.
You would then assume that Laila's mother would have told Aziz's mother that this request was impossible to fulfil but NO, she passed the request to Laila.
Laila baulked upon hearing the request. She was shocked and upset. She immediately told her mother that all bets were off and that she would not marry Aziz at ANY rate. Her mother kept trying to persuade her but Laila stood her ground and Aziz...well he missed out on marrying a great girl.
Aziz didn't understand WHY Laila was so upset because he was ready to marry her, all he wanted was to see her without hijab. Laila was so upset because she felt that all Aziz cared about was how her hair looked. Aziz said that in Islam, it was allowed for him to see his future bride. But what -I- learnt is that a man is only allowed to see a girl's face and her palms before wedding (correct me if I'm wrong!)
Seriously, hair is just hair. If Aziz found out that Laila had straight hair on their wedding night and he preferred curly hair instead, she could go to the salon the very next day to get her hair permed. If he liked it straight, she could get her hair to be straight in about 2 hours.
And, what about Love?
Is falling in love wrong? I have read up on this and it seems that love is just a feeling. A feeling of affinity or attraction towards someone. A feeling cannot be wrong and thus, it's not wrong to fall in love. It's how you handle the love that matters.
I also read that some people have a view that marriage should occur between 2 people who have very little affection for each other, so that the love can grow while they are married, strengthening the bond between 2 individuals.
But, I have also seen with my very own eyes, marriages that were arranged and started out loveless also ending in a loveless bitter divorce.
I don't know about you but I want to marry a man whom I know I love and can continue to love for the rest of my life.
What about you? If you are already married, was it an arranged marriage or were you in love before you got married?
If you aren't married, would you choose an arranged marriage or marry someone you've fallen in love with?
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- Definitely not arranged ;)
But, my husband's parents had an arranged marriage.
They were cousins, so they were the ones to get married, leaving a woman who was hoping to marry him to hate her. Both love each other now, but I think that it took a loooong time and husband's father actually tattooed the other woman's name into his skin before he met his wife now, so whenever she sees it she is sad.
They were very young as well, maybe 15.
Anyway, no, I don't think I would choose to have an arranged marriage.
Thanks for sharing. I do believe that there are many couples out there who start loving each other after an arranged marriage and live happily ever after but personally, I don't want to have to face the risk of it not turning out well.
It took a long time huh? I think your mother in law must be so strong to stick it out, especially if she has to see another woman's name on her husband's skin.
Alhamd lellah that they love each other so much now.
Married at 15?! I think I was born in the wrong generation hahaha. I need to be born in THAT generation.
I opt to marry someone who is dead in love with me and also vice versa...more so her love for Allah to be foremost
So you'd like to marry someone who loves you and also someone who happens to be a good muslimah? (:
Sounds good to me
Nadia,
Yes, you should marry someone you know and "love" as you stated, but the question is: how much "love" can be shown to the to be married man? Personally I'm against arranged marriage, it may have worked yesterday but today is different. However an arranged marriage can work miracles with one condition: if both are Islamic and deeply understand their obligations vis-a-vis the other. Everyone would know his/her limit and will do his/her best to create a better home bcoz they understand it is their Heavenly responsibility. One thing that I know is that however you love someone before marriage, that "love" is redefined after marraige and it can't represent the past utopia. Reality will set in and you start asking questions like: Oh, did I expect him/her to be like this when I thought I have known them for...bla bla. We pray to God for the best.
Well, maybe Aziz wanted a blonde. :P
ANYWAYS, I think that what is meant by "enhance/foster bonding" is not from the attraction of looks, status, or wealth, rather its the chemistry built when interacting and discovering each others character. Having to meet each other with the girl's Mahram coming along would be great so that both could see and hear each others talk, response, actions etc. I think that giving each other questionnaires would be good (no, I don't mean a similar scene to "Who wants to be a millionaire"). So long as the limits are not forgotten and applied.
@ Ari: I agree, marriage is like starting a whole new life altogether and things might change. I might realize that I was okay with a certain habit of his before marriage but now that we are married, I cant stand that habit anymore etc. Arranged marriages can work, and like you said, both parties need a deep understanding of their responsibilities towards each other.
Jazak Allah Khair for sharing.
@ SirAdib: Finally, I've stopped typing '.com' behind 'SirAdib'...or would you still like DOT COM attached to it? Lol.
If Aziz wanted a blonde, he would have known immediately that Laila wasn't blonde because her eyebrows are dark brown. :b
I don't know about you but I'd feel terribly self conscious if a man starts asking me random questions about myself, with or without someone else present. I'd much prefer that questionnaire suggestion you had though it seems a little weird to be writing answers for questions from my potential husband.
And yes, thanks for adding in the limits part. I dont want to be answering freaky questions (:
Jazak Allah Khair for sharing your opinion.
love!
i could never marry someone i thought was "just ok". imagine the first night - having to do all that stuff with basically a complete stranger. i think you need to KNOW he person, talk about things, get emotional... otherwise you may end up hating each other because all you knew about them beforehand was how they looked in a pic.
@ Ange: Exactly my feelings but...its hard. How do you get to know the person, talk about things and get emotional without over stepping the limits? I could never get emotional if my brother was sitting right next to me.
I want love and then marriage but maybe I might have to settle for marriage and then love.
Thanks for sharing your view Ange!
I'm not at the position to give such advises but just to remind ourselves that its been done a lot and people actually end up happily ever married when they both parted from this world such as our Prophet (pbuh). Don't forget how Khadija met with the Prophet (pbuh).
Another example is from Baba Ali, the guy who made the Reminder series for Ummahfilms. He mentioned how he met up with the girl by asking lots of questions over the internet that don't have a yes or no answer, such as "how does it take until you get pissed"
"What do you do when you get angry"
"Are you a good speaker or a good listener"
Etc etc. Then they both planned to meet each other to check if there was a chemistry happening, and he even recorded it on cam as a sweet memorial for his future children to watch. And yeah they somehow found out there was chemistry going at the same time sticking to the limits. Maybe we should e-mail him and ask him for more details. I took 2 days to look for the youtube interview where he mentioned that, but I couldn't.
Anyways, the point is that even though you may think its weird, it may not be if you approached it from a different angle that you imagine it to be.
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