I think about the past and realised that I screwed up way too many times and only with Allah's help did I manage to get to where I am.
I have notes infront of me but I am not reading them. Instead I am crying thinking about what I have lost...knowledge, security, confidence, love.
I know where this path will lead me but I wonder if I am strong enough to persevere.
I feel like the world is against me.
I wonder why you don't understand me.
I keep thinking about whyyyy I fall for the same trick again and again.
I feel stupid, holding onto the past, not willing to let go even though it's so painful. Maybe I am afraid of the future.
I hate introducing myself. It's always fake and embarrassing. I keep mine as short as possible, sometimes I go even as far as introducing myself in dot points. I mean, seriously...I don't care what school you came from or what your favourite color is. I just need to know your name and frankly, after everyone's had their turn I'll only remember them as 'the girl with the pink top', 'the girl who speaks funny', 'the one with big boobs','the girl with the hijab that I want'....
No, don't judge me. I bet you remember people that way too.
Hi, my name is Nadia. I am 21 years old. I live in the present because the past is painful and the future is daunting.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wardrobe Malfunction #1
I need a wardrobe makeover. I mean, I don't have to throw away anything...I just need to get something to put on over my clothes.
I hope my abaya arrives.
I've always been a hijabi...okay I exaggerate. I've been one for like 7 years now. I've got long skirts, loose fitting pants and tops that cover my bum. But I am also guilty of wearing short tshirts when I'm wearing skirts.
The skirt is loose but the problem is the tshirt. It shows off the waist.
I gained some weight and I can't fit into those tshirts anymore. They're too tight to be comfortable. Hehe...I am thinking positively about weight gain (:
Okay so my rant today is about why abayas are so expensive. I'm not talking fancy swarovski crystals studded abayas but just some plain ones with a little embroidery...They're way too expensive online and there aren't any places selling cheap abayas where I am staying.
An abaya is a necessity in a hijabi's wardrobe. Why they gotta be so pricey HUH?!
Wardrobe Malfunction #1
Last week, 4 times in the same day, the wind blew my hijab up, covering my face and obscuring my vision. A man chuckled to himself when I finally got my hijab off my face. Highly embarrassing. Alhamdulillah I was not wearing a low cut top.
Question: How many pins does it take to secure your hijab to your top such that it doesn't behave crazily when the wind blows?
I hope my abaya arrives.
I've always been a hijabi...okay I exaggerate. I've been one for like 7 years now. I've got long skirts, loose fitting pants and tops that cover my bum. But I am also guilty of wearing short tshirts when I'm wearing skirts.
The skirt is loose but the problem is the tshirt. It shows off the waist.
I gained some weight and I can't fit into those tshirts anymore. They're too tight to be comfortable. Hehe...I am thinking positively about weight gain (:
Okay so my rant today is about why abayas are so expensive. I'm not talking fancy swarovski crystals studded abayas but just some plain ones with a little embroidery...They're way too expensive online and there aren't any places selling cheap abayas where I am staying.
An abaya is a necessity in a hijabi's wardrobe. Why they gotta be so pricey HUH?!
Wardrobe Malfunction #1
Last week, 4 times in the same day, the wind blew my hijab up, covering my face and obscuring my vision. A man chuckled to himself when I finally got my hijab off my face. Highly embarrassing. Alhamdulillah I was not wearing a low cut top.
Question: How many pins does it take to secure your hijab to your top such that it doesn't behave crazily when the wind blows?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Crash & Burn
I did not sleep til after Fajr. I woke up way past lunch.
Work Done = Zero
In a time like this, I understand the meaning of true love.
True love is not about being perfect, it is about loving regardless of the imperfections.
To those who have stood by me, you give me hope and a reason to keep on fighting.
To the ones who left, I understand why you did and I do not blame you for this. However, my heart longs for acceptance and forgiveness.
Despite the fact that tomorrow might be an awful day, my mind is suddenly at ease with the situation.
"(Remember) when you sought help of your Lord and He answered you " Quran 8:9
"And He protects (all), while against Whom there is no protector " Quran 23:88
"..when there will be neither a protector nor an intercessor for them besides Him" Quran 6:51
I reflect on my previous How To Control Emotions and I realised that in that moment of panic, anger and denial I forgot one very important thing that M fortunately reminded me about.
Who is stronger, the blackmailer or Allah (SWT)?
Thanks asha, Lisa, M, Y and P for understanding.
J, its goodbye.
Work Done = Zero
In a time like this, I understand the meaning of true love.
True love is not about being perfect, it is about loving regardless of the imperfections.
To those who have stood by me, you give me hope and a reason to keep on fighting.
To the ones who left, I understand why you did and I do not blame you for this. However, my heart longs for acceptance and forgiveness.
Despite the fact that tomorrow might be an awful day, my mind is suddenly at ease with the situation.
"(Remember) when you sought help of your Lord and He answered you " Quran 8:9
"And He protects (all), while against Whom there is no protector " Quran 23:88
"..when there will be neither a protector nor an intercessor for them besides Him" Quran 6:51
I reflect on my previous How To Control Emotions and I realised that in that moment of panic, anger and denial I forgot one very important thing that M fortunately reminded me about.
Who is stronger, the blackmailer or Allah (SWT)?
Thanks asha, Lisa, M, Y and P for understanding.
J, its goodbye.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
How To Control Your Emotions
In a Hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "Verily, I have been prohibited from emitting two foolish and wicked sounds, one that is emitted when something favourable happens and the other that is expressed when calamity strikes."
The Prophet (PBUH) also said: "Love the one who is beloved to you in due moderation, fo perhaps the day will come when you will abhor him. And hate the one whom you detest in due moderation, for perhaps the day will arrive when you will come to love him."
In another hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "And I ask You (Oh, Allah SWT) to make me just, both while being in a state of anger and while being in a state of joy."
In a state of anger, you tend to be irrational, saying things that you would very much regret later on. You vent your anger on people who were not even involved in the cause of your problem. You slam the door on your way into the house, you ignore your mother's greetings, you stomp up the stairs, you kick your cat out of your bedroom and you throw your things against the wall.
Just because you were hurt, it does not make it right for you to hurt others or take it out on your mom, assuming she would understand. Upsetting your mom would not solve your problem and would not make you any happier. It would cause the relationship between you and your mom to become strained.
Now imagine if you were able to control your emotions. You would have come home, and saw your mother. She would have seen that you were upset and gently ask you what the matter was. You would have discussed the situation with her and she would have given you fantastic motherly advice. Afterward, she would feed you a nice hot lunch and send you up to bed to cuddle with your cat. You would feel so much better and it won't take Einstein to come up with an equation to prove that.
Even in happiness, you must control your emotions. Excessive displays of joy might cause others to get envious of your success, perhaps they might create fitnah just to put a downer on your mood. You must not forget to thank Allah (SWT) for your success. Your unbridled happiness may lead you to get complacent, perhaps not studying as hard for the next examination as you were partying too hard because the previous examination was as easy as ABC.
Aim for a happy medium. Always remember Allah (SWT) in happiness and in sadness. InshaAllah, you will be able to control your emotions.
Adapted from: Don't be sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni
The Prophet (PBUH) also said: "Love the one who is beloved to you in due moderation, fo perhaps the day will come when you will abhor him. And hate the one whom you detest in due moderation, for perhaps the day will arrive when you will come to love him."
In another hadith, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "And I ask You (Oh, Allah SWT) to make me just, both while being in a state of anger and while being in a state of joy."
In a state of anger, you tend to be irrational, saying things that you would very much regret later on. You vent your anger on people who were not even involved in the cause of your problem. You slam the door on your way into the house, you ignore your mother's greetings, you stomp up the stairs, you kick your cat out of your bedroom and you throw your things against the wall.
Just because you were hurt, it does not make it right for you to hurt others or take it out on your mom, assuming she would understand. Upsetting your mom would not solve your problem and would not make you any happier. It would cause the relationship between you and your mom to become strained.
Now imagine if you were able to control your emotions. You would have come home, and saw your mother. She would have seen that you were upset and gently ask you what the matter was. You would have discussed the situation with her and she would have given you fantastic motherly advice. Afterward, she would feed you a nice hot lunch and send you up to bed to cuddle with your cat. You would feel so much better and it won't take Einstein to come up with an equation to prove that.
Even in happiness, you must control your emotions. Excessive displays of joy might cause others to get envious of your success, perhaps they might create fitnah just to put a downer on your mood. You must not forget to thank Allah (SWT) for your success. Your unbridled happiness may lead you to get complacent, perhaps not studying as hard for the next examination as you were partying too hard because the previous examination was as easy as ABC.
Aim for a happy medium. Always remember Allah (SWT) in happiness and in sadness. InshaAllah, you will be able to control your emotions.
Adapted from: Don't be sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Drained by Diabetes
A diabetes sit-down-and-just-listen lab that lasted for 2 hours has got me completely drained. I am so tired. I don't know what's up with my body. The last time I felt this way, it didn't end very well.
I'm not just physically drained but mentally too. I just want to lie down on my bed and shut my eyes and cover my ears so no thoughts can enter my mind.
I don't feel like there's a reason to get out of bed anymore.
Allah (swt), guide me in the right direction and give me courage to continue on the path that has been chosen for me.
A muslim, that's what I really want to be. Not a student, not a doctor, not a wife, not a mother.
Just muslim.
I'm not just physically drained but mentally too. I just want to lie down on my bed and shut my eyes and cover my ears so no thoughts can enter my mind.
I don't feel like there's a reason to get out of bed anymore.
Allah (swt), guide me in the right direction and give me courage to continue on the path that has been chosen for me.
A muslim, that's what I really want to be. Not a student, not a doctor, not a wife, not a mother.
Just muslim.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
How To Deal With The $@!!#?#^&#~* Ingrate
Do not expect gratitude from others.
Be at peace with the good that you have done and expect no reward nor thanks from the person you have helped. Instead, be assured that Allah Almighty will reward you, for He has unlimited treasures.
We feed you seeking Allah's (swt) countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you.
-Quran 76:9
And when harm touches man, he invokes Us, lying down on his side, or sitting or standing. But when We have removed his harm from him, he passes on his way as if he had never invoked Us for a harm that touched him!
-Quran 10:12
If man can be ungrateful towards Allah swt, then we should not expect even a single word of thanks for any good that we have done for our fellow mankind.
And, if Allah Almighty can forgive, who are we to hold a grudge?
Remember,sisters, that the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives.
Adapted from: Don't be Sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al -Qarni
Be at peace with the good that you have done and expect no reward nor thanks from the person you have helped. Instead, be assured that Allah Almighty will reward you, for He has unlimited treasures.
We feed you seeking Allah's (swt) countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you.
-Quran 76:9
And when harm touches man, he invokes Us, lying down on his side, or sitting or standing. But when We have removed his harm from him, he passes on his way as if he had never invoked Us for a harm that touched him!
-Quran 10:12
If man can be ungrateful towards Allah swt, then we should not expect even a single word of thanks for any good that we have done for our fellow mankind.
And, if Allah Almighty can forgive, who are we to hold a grudge?
Remember,sisters, that the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives.
Adapted from: Don't be Sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al -Qarni
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